Do you long for love?
Most of us do. The intimate touch of another soul is the most powerful
antidote for the all-too-human experience of aloneness. It may be the most
compelling and pleasurable experience there is.
So why do we spend so much of our time and energy avoiding intimacy by
defending ourselves, being angry, critical, closed and judgmental--in short,
blocking the experience that we most deeply want?
Defending the Ego Gets in the Way
The answer is that we are wired to constantly reinforce our limited ego-based
identity, our sense of who we are.
This ego-based identity plays a very important role in human life, but it
does not have the power to love. Ego is all about the self. It can and does
experience need, and need is often easy to mistake for love. And the ego
can certainly love how another person makes it feel.
But these things aren't true love. True love and intimacy doesn't come from
the ego. In order to experience the power of true love you have to get in touch
with a different part of yourself--the part that lies beyond ego.
The True Nature of Ego
This process is easier when you understand the true nature of your ego-based
identity: It doesn't really exist.
Although it functions as if it's the most real thing about you, in actual
fact your 'identity' is only a perspective. It's kept alive solely through the
stories you tell yourself about life, others and yourself.
You could literally say that your ego is all talk--an incessant monologue
whose sole purpose is to reinforce your sense of self--who you are and who you
aren't.
Most of the time it goes something like this: "I'm better than he is, uglier
than she is, smarter than him, richer than her, worse than I should be. I can do
this, I could never do this, I shouldn't have done that, they shouldn't be that
way. Life is good, life is hard, he's right, she's wrong, I'm great, I'm no
good, it's my fault, it's their fault…" and on, and on, and on...
Just as a whale identifies its location through bouncing sound waves off
nearby objects, your ego pinpoints its own presence--defines itself--by relating
to the people, ideas, and objects around it.
This process is continuous. Your identity must be continuously reinforced or
you will quite literally lose the sense of who you are.
That's why it can be so very threatening to have something or somebody
confronting your ego--your beliefs about yourself, others or the world. Since
the ego is actually made out of these beliefs, perspectives and opinions, and
you identify the ego as 'you,' when your beliefs are threatened it can feel just
like a threat to your very survival.
Quite simply, the more you get to be 'right' about things, the more real and
solid you feel, and the more you have to be 'wrong,' the more threatened and
diminished.
Who Are You Really?
This would be really bad news if not for the fact that there is another part
of you. This part--your core essence, your authentic self--has an intrinsic
reality. Unlike your ego-based identity, its existence is not dependent upon
outside circumstances or stories. And unlike your ego, it's not threatened by
someone else's success, or enhanced by someone else's failure. In fact, the
opposite is true.
You could visualize your ego/identity as like the surface of the ocean;
changeable, vulnerable, reflecting the sun, sky, and clouds, affected by every
wind. Your core is the vast, calm, still, deep water beneath. Those deep
mysterious waters teem with every kind of life and potential, but this life is
invisible from the surface.
All transformation involves a process of seeing beyond the changeable surface
and connecting with the vast deep life-giving waters beneath it. This process
usually involves a level of discomfort as your identity is shaken out of its
established form and made to expand and reflect a deeper level of reality.
But it's worth it.
My Little Wake-Up Call
Last year I had a very typical experience from which I learned an uncommon
lesson.
I was upstairs in my bedroom. My husband was late getting home and had failed
to call me to let me know. I wasn't really worried about him, but I still began
to get more and more agitated by the fact that he hadn't come home when he said
he would.
The later he became, the angrier I grew. By the time I finally heard the door
downstairs I was in a fury. (I realize that this doesn't show me in a
particularly positive light--but the truth is, that's exactly what happened.)
Like a balloon inflating with hot air, I got ready to blow up at him.
But then something happened. In a moment of unusual lucidity, I saw the
future before my eyes. This is what it looked like:
First, I'd blow up. I'd express some righteous indignation (in a loud voice).
I'd persist until my husband (generally a pretty nice, easy-going guy) admitted
that his behavior had been rude and inconsiderate. Then, once my anger was
properly validated, I'd forgive him and we could be friends again--but only
after I'd temporarily diminished his ego and inflated my own.
In that one lucid moment I realized that I could simply skip the whole thing
and go straight to being authentic and close. I saw a new possibility--the
possibility of refusing to be a slave to my own ego. To choose from a deeper,
calmer, more authentic part of myself.
I was overwhelmed with a sense of how massively stupid, predictable,
automatic and ridiculous this whole pattern actually is.
What part of me saw that new possibility? The part that peeked out through
the surface of my ego--a little piece of my core.
Ego and Purpose - The Stages of Creation
The world was created in three basic stages.
In Stage One, G-d's Infinite, all-pervasive essential light was shining
without limit, filling all space. There was no place devoid of it, and therefore
nothing could exist aside from it. This is the stage of Infinity.
In Stage Two, G-d concealed His Infinite light in order to create an
apparently "empty space" in which other things (i.e., the universe, us) could
exist. This concealment of the truth is Stage Two. This is the stage of the
finite, where it became possible for myriad creatures and myriad perspectives,
each with its own limited boundaries and parameters, to exist.
Stage Three is the merging of infinite and finite. It involves the
transformation of the finite inhabitants of the universe. They must move from a
state of being which conceals their infinite Divine Source to one which
expresses and reveals it.
Like a game of hide and seek, G-d conceals Himself in our finite world and
waits for us to find Him. Through this process He can endow us with the greatest
gift there is--to exist as finite individuals and yet experience a truly
intimate relationship with our Creator.
Your ego is central to this process.
Like everything in the physical world, your ego hides the light of your
essence. It is what allows you to exist as a separate individual. By blocking out
your intrinsic connection to G-d, your true nature and purpose, and the
essential oneness of the universe, your ego allows you to function as an
individual. It allows you to have a personal perspective and a personal
experience of life. Without it you'd be simply a part of the whole.
But this is only the beginning the process. The ultimate goal is that through
your ego--your role as a limited individual with a limited perspective--you will
find your way back home.
How It Works
We have entered the Era of Transformation. This means that you can train your
ego-based identity to recognize and align itself with the voice of your
authentic self. The ego doesn't have to be defended or suppressed--it can be
transformed. Your ego can be used on behalf of the purpose for which it was
created in the first place--to allow you to enhance your relationship with your
Creator, express the potential of your essence, and fulfill your purpose here on
earth.
Your defensive ego-based reactions will probably not go away for now. But
instead of being a slave to them, you can use them as the impetus to connect to
these deeper parts of you. The moment you choose to observe yourself rather than
react, to question your own defensive instincts, to genuinely see another
person's point of view, to admit where you may be wrong, to connect with
something higher, to be generous with your time, money or resources when you
don't have to, you have made your ego your ally.
In fact, whenever you choose use your body, your mind, your time, your
relationships or your possessions to fulfill your authentic purpose--to do
something intrinsically good and G-dly--those things, for that moment, are
holy. They have been used on behalf of the purpose of Creation. You have
created a bit of light through which the world's darkness and concealment will
be transformed.
